Things That You Should Never Say To A Computer Programmer! Don’t Read If You Are Not A Computer Programmer
Finally, a question to express my frustration!
Below are few questions asked by other people which made me angry (Maybe few of the programmers out there would have experienced the same):
- Isn’t one display enough? Why do you need another display for your work?
- Why are you always working on a black box(terminal)? No wonder your work is always boring!
- Why are there so many programming languages? Isn’t one enough?
- You have gained a lot of weight! All these programmers sitting in front of a computer and not exercising!
- Why are you showing off your new website and android app? Anyone can create one these days!
- Why go for Computer Science and work for someone when you can do MBA and make someone work for you?
- Why don’t you start your company? Everyone is doing the same!
- You get paid for sitting at home and doing work on your computer?[Regarding GSOC]
- Can I learn all the stuff you learnt within one week and become like you?
- You are such a nerd! Life is short bro, enjoy it!
- This app(someone’s app) is not working properly, can you fix it?
Recruiter: “Have you ever worked in X technology?”
Recruiter: “Well have you ever worked in Y technology (where y is dependent upon x technology)?”
Me: HOW THE F%$# DO YOU HAVE A JOB??
Recruiter: “You only have experience in language X, but what the client is really looking for is a more OOP language, like language Y (when x and y are both strongly OOP).”
Me: DO YOU KNOW WHAT OOP MEANS?????
Recruiter: “We’re looking for a junior developer…”
“… they chose someone with more experience.”
Me: For a Junior role??? But you Juniors have NO experience.
Coworker: “We need a design pattern. Probably need an interface, an extended base class, with a few factory of factories.”
Me: But a single function or lambda would work just as…
Coworker: “OOP!!!!!MMMPHHHHHPPHH>!>>@#INTERFACES!!!!!>>!>##@(*&$ DESIGN PATERNS!#@(*&@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!GGGAAAAAAAAAANNNGGGGGGGGOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFOOOOUUUUUUUURRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
NO FUNCTIONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LAMBDAS ARE HAAAAAARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Recruiter: “You only have 2 years of experience in this language? They’re looking for minimum 5 years of experience in this language.”
Me: That language hit 1.0 release 6 months ago…….
Microsoft Developers: “But command line is hard. I’ll use the gui…”
Me: I created a push button solution that reduces the workload for this task from 8hrs a day down to 0.0ms
Team: “Yeah, but we’re just not going to do it that way.” —designs a solution that reduces 8hrs down to 7.5hrs…?
Me: But why are we doing it this way, when there is industry and market research, and empirical evidence suggesting that there are better ways?
Team/Management: “STOP ASKING QUESTIONS AND TRYING TO IMPROVE OUR PROCESS!!! We didn’t hire you to think!!!!”
Me: ummm…. yes. Yes you did. Fu#$ off. Also, I have a new job, so…. double f&%$ off.
- Some Developer: “I never format my code.”
2. Some Developer (again): “TDD is a waste of time.”
3. Some Developer (again): “Comments are useless. My code speaks for itself.”
Some Developer (again): “Why is our velocity so low?”
Management: “This has to be done by the end of this sprint.”
Me: *Pulls code that hasn’t been edited for 5+ years, no current senior devs on the team have worked on it, in an older version of the framework, and a different version of the language with compatibility issues. To even build the program, I must upgrade versions, which has rippling effects and breaks multiple sections of the code base*
Management: “BUT WHY DIDN’T YOU GET THIS FINISHED!!!! HEADS WILL ROLL!!!!”
Some Developer: “I don’t like x language because it isn’t strongly typed enough.”
Some Developer: “I don’t like x language because it’s too easy to make a mistake or typo in some variable name.”
Me (to myself): Sounds like you’re just a bad programmer if you’re unable to catch typing mistakes, and passing the wrong types around.
Management/Hiring People/Team: “We really like our work culture. We have a beer keg, and a ping pong table!”
Me: What about your professional culture? Do you have a knowledge sharing initiatives? Educational incentives? Do you have internal best practices, code reviews, TDD, or paired programming?
Them: “BEER:30!!!!!!!!!!! PING PONG TOURNAMENTSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!! CHILI COOOK OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”
Management/Sympathizing team member: “You shouldn’t expect so much, lower your expectations. The team just doesn’t have the drive to innovate or to continue learning in their space.”
Me: So, fire them? Isn’t that, like, the ONLY JOB DESCRIPTION of a developer? Intellectual honesty? Continual Learning? Innovation? How the fuck do they still have a job? Why aren’t they living on the streets instead of ruining lives with their slapdash, lazy, disinterested work ethic?
Management/Sympathizing team member: <stupid reasons>, and because they’re people to, with feelings.
Me: Code doesn’t have feelings. If they can’t muster the motivation to learn, fire them. I’ll get a dozen junior devs more interested in the work, and we’ll have a better product in the long run.
- “You just work on a computer in an AC room, right? What’s the big deal?”
- Me: *Smiling outside*
- Inside, I’m screaming this:
- Been to hell and back, I can show you vouchers.
- You know my name, not my story. You’ve heard what I’ve done, but not what I’ve been through. 🙂
- People to UNIX/Linux programmers: “Why don’t you use any
instead of Vim/Emacs?”
- I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. But I do have a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. And if you don’t stop suggesting me IDEs, I will look for you, I will find you…and I will “kill -9” you.
- Relatives: “All your friends are going onsite. When will you go?”
- Insert your reason here.
- “You would need to work on it on this weekend. This feature is crucial for this deal.”
- Yeah, you got it right. I don’t have anything else to do. I don’t have a life. “Work-life balance” is only meant for you. And by that CTC, you have bought every inch of my flesh and every attosecond of my life. Yes, I will work on it on weekend. And you would expect me to be in office on Monday at 9AM. I’ll be there, your highness.
- “You are not getting/understanding it.”
- Better say, “You are almost there.”
- “I’m not getting the expected output. Can you check?” or “I’m getting this error. Can you check?”
- LEARN. TO. DEBUG. PERIOD.
- “This must be a very small fix; you could commit it by end-of-day today, right?”
- Yeah, absolutely. If only I don’t have to write the unit testcases, get the code review done by my lazy ass colleagues, run the regression tests, and make sure the code coverage is 100%; I can commit it by end-of-this-second.
- “Please do the needful.”
- Probably the most hated one out there. Sounds simple but do you know what does it actually mean? It means “I don’t have any effin idea about it, and I’m not going to figure it out either. But you go and figure out what needs to be done, do it and don’t bother me with this shit ever again.”
- “Why don’t you quit your job and build some app that will change the world forever.”
- Well, I could write a 10,000 words para here but I know you people understand the feelings.
- “But it is doable, right?”
- Yeah, even if it doesn’t make any sense, it’s doable. There’s nothing like “virtually impossible” in computer science.
- “Could you ramp up your understanding of the existing code in 2 days?” (which is without documentation, comments, proper indentation, etc.)
- Me: Can you interpret my silence right now?
- The classic one from the folks from IT department: “Could you turn it off, and turn it back on and then check?”
- Oh yeah, I didn’t know that. That’s why I called you.
- And the most depressing one: “You are a nerd/geek programmer, you must be getting lot of girls!”
- It’s like telling the cashier of the bank, “You are a cashier, you must be owning millions of currency!” Well, you hit where it hurts the most. But I forgive you anyway. I’m a female repellent. *Sigh*
Common Person (with no idea about programming) to Programmer
Man: I have a problem with my system speaker where one side audio is not working. Can you fix this and give?
Programmer: Sorry dude. Actually we don’t know such things. It might be some wire problems or anything inside the speaker might have gone. So give it in a accessories service shop.
Man: Even if you are not able to resolve this simple speaker problem, then what have you been working in IT company.
Programmer: (Inside our mind) WTF do you think our work is….Seriously man. . .
Parents to Programmer Son
Dad: Hello my dear son. Are you reading recent technology news around the world?
Son: Yeah Dad. At times I do read such news happening around. Is there anything you want to say in specific?
Dad: Nothing son. I have read like, NASA developed a new programmable satellite, Sundar Pichai an Indian became as Google’s CEO , Microsoft releases Windows 10, Whatsapp reaches more than billion downloads and so on. Why can’t you program something like this?
Son: Holy Shit . . . !!! How am i supposed to do all these Dad? They are certain tech giants where many highly talented people work together for many years to get it done.
Dad: So If you are not that capable, learn programming by which you can develop such things. Life is very competitive. Don’t waste you life. Blah Blah Blah…
Son: (What else we are supposed to say for this) uffffffffffffffffffffffffff….Only God can answer this…